LONDON – The UK Supreme Court recently ruled that sex is binary and that a woman can only be defined as a “biological” woman. Some implications being that trans women are to be excluded from women’s restrooms and changing rooms, and that searches of in-custody trans women are to be conducted my male police officers.

However, this past Wednesday, the UK Supreme Court then ruled that women do not, in fact, exist. This case was brought forward by Susan Smith, leader of the group known as Only Men Scotland. Smith, who shares the name of a woman famous for drowning her own children, had a profound epiphany while reading the Bible: “I noticed in Genesis 2:22, that since Eve was made from the rib of Adam, that woman are essentially just men.” That quote, Genesis 2:22, from Young’s Literal Translation reads “And Jehovah God buildeth up the rib which He hath taken out of the man into a woman, and bringeth her in unto the man.” Smith, whose initials are S.S., continued, “It was then very easy to convince the court of our case given that, quite simply, they’re all already men.”

The implications of this new ruling are immense. The Supreme Court has stated that this ruling will not only be put into effect going forward but will also be applied retroactively. This clause essentially means that all intimate relationships between a man and a “woman”, throughout all of British history, will be considered ‘male same-sex sexual activity’, an act that was considered illegal until 1967 and was punishable by death until 1835. The court will now file and prosecute each of these male same-sex relationships and the descendants of the accused will have to stand trial.

Prior to the mass execution of every descendant of the accused, which includes every living human being, a competition will be held in the For Women Scotland women’s toilets where trans men have been invited to compete on who can take the biggest shit.

Adam Berry