If you don’t know what a decidual cast is, let me inform you: a decidual cast is what happens when a woman, or biological female, sheds her entire uterine lining in one go. It’s completely natural but also unbearably painful and confusing for women who experience it so essentially it’s just another “wow, could I really give a fuck about that?” from any healthcare professional. However, the recent Republican trend of defining foetuses and toddlers as indistinguishable from one another has inspired me to throw yet another curveball into the endless debate of women’s reproductive rights: should decidual casts have more rights than grown women?

Here’s a table I’ve prepared to get us thinking about whether or not a decidual cast is ALSO a fully grown baby in disguise:

Consensus: lock in ladies! You may have to start paying child support for your decidual cast!

Things I think should be considered fully grown children:

• Unborn foetuses (a Republican classic)
• Decidual casts (if it falls out of a woman it’s a baby, I don’t make the rules!)
• Men who can’t wash their own underwear or dishes correctly
• Any period blood clot that looks a little TOO big
• Any newborn that the parents can’t be bothered to raise
• UTIs
• Ovarian cysts
• Tumours (only if it’s from a woman, if it’s from a man it’s just cancer)
• JD Vance
• Eggs (not from the ovaries, like actual chicken eggs)

Ava Young