WASHINGTON – Nick Coetzee, a 39 year old white male, arrived at Dulles airport near Washington DC this morning in one of President Trump’s private planes. He was seated in a wheelchair with a cast boot over his right foot with encouraging messages written on it from loved ones: “get well soon!”, “all the best!” and “hopefully they don’t have any vending machines over there!” to name a few.

Coetzee was accepted into the US as a refugee after claiming to have stubbed his big toe while repeatedly kicking a vending machine. His refugee application, Trump confirms, was expedited as he feared persecution from the automated snack machine.

“The man practically has no foot left,” Trump said in a press conference. “It’s a miracle that he’s even alive. In the unfortunate event that they’ll have to amputate, there would be no need for concern as we have the best prosthetic feet in the world. It’s amazing.”

Trump’s paypig, Elon Musk, who is a regular vending machine assaulter, is reported to have urged the president to expedite Coetzee’s application for asylum, as he plans to use him as a proxy to raise his 15th child.

Adam Berry