“My husband left me for a nineteen year old so I’ve decided that feminism isn’t worth it anymore.”

“If you stand on the shoreline anywhere in the UK you can see hundreds of boats with illegals on them coming to invade our land. Initially no one will be there but if you look hard enough and tell enough people that that’s what you saw then eventually everyone will believe you. This is also how I convinced everyone that my wife filing for divorce was 100% NOT my fault.”

“I love white people. I love how white my family is. Whenever I see a white person eating a mound of plain white rice and unseasoned chicken out of a dirty tupperware container I smile and think to myself, ah yes, that’s right. Whenever I see a black or brown person just existing peacefully I start to tear up and think, what do they have to be so happy about? Do they know that they are not white? The thought makes me so angry I start shaking and growling like a dog on a leash.”

“The idea of my children being more intelligent and self-aware than me makes me incredibly upset. I don’t want my children to grow up with thoughts and opinions. That’s for woke people and homosexuals. It’s not for my family – not now, not EVER.”

“The illegals are flooding in, stealing our jobs like “bin man” and “dish washer” which I have no desire to do personally because it’s completely beneath me and a little bit gay.”

“Trans people, especially trans women, scare me so much. They all look a lot more attractive than I do and they keep making my husband INCREDIBLY AROUSED which I know he DOES NOT WANT. I think if they looked a little uglier I could sleep better at night and my husband wouldn’t have such a difficult time being intimate with me. So maybe someone should try making that happen???”

“Things were so much better back in the day. I could abuse and control my wife and no one would tell me I was being unreasonable. Consent was conveniently amenable. Nobody had Twitter so they couldn’t tell me I had a big gut and a receding hairline. My dad could disappear for weeks on end and no one would call him a deadbeat. We had no electricity and we had to shit in a hole outside. Life was better in every single way. Take me back.”

“I’m 75 and I know I don’t have long left on this planet. As such I’ve decided to spend the last years of my life on this precious Earth making sure nobody around me enjoys themselves. The idea of anyone having a decent quality of life is unbearable to me – I had a rough patch in my 50s and so I now think everyone should suffer like I did for those three years. I know it sounds silly but being hostile, negative and completely intolerant towards the general populace has done wonders for my mental health and sense of purpose in life. I can’t recommend it enough.”

“When I was fourteen my girlfriend cheated on me so I don’t think women should have human rights anymore. The guy she cheated on me with was black so I also think we should bring back anti-miscegenation laws. My current girlfriend is Filipina but that’s irrelevant.”

“Teenage girls these days dress like whores. They wear skirts in the summer and show their ankles all year round. Back in my day your husband would have beaten you for that – I think we need to bring that back. We also have girls these days with self-worth and self-confidence which incenses me because I have none. But don’t worry I have a solution – every time I see a young woman wearing tight or revealing clothing I’m going to roll down the window of my car and scream DIRTY WHORES! at them so the men around me will pay attention to me and clap.”

“Climate change isn’t real because I don’t want it to be. I apply the same logic to my daughter’s lesbianism, my receding hairline, and inflation.”

“I don’t know what a tax bracket is but I know it’s definitely got something to do with Islam and therefore needs to be banned.”

“Women don’t find me desirable. I think if I force them to be subservient to me and encourage other men to abuse them then this fact will change. Otherwise I will kill myself on Instagram Live.”

“Men don’t find me desirable. I think if I make other women hate me and put their lives in danger men will stop flirting with teenagers and start flirting with me instead. Otherwise I will start abusing Ozempic.”

“Everyone is gay nowadays. Every single person. You can’t go outside without seeing at least five of them all in a row. Literally everyone is gay: the teachers are gay, the students are gay, the dogs are gay, the POSTMAN is gay! How do I know? BECAUSE I SUCKED HIM OFF! I didn’t even wanna do that but I HAD to. Not because he forced me to (it was my idea) but because he literally made me – a ONE HUNDRED PER CENT STRAIGHT WHITE MALE – act GAY. What are they gonna do next, turn me BLACK?! God I hope so.”

“Every day I wake up and think, how can I make this world a worse place? And I’m amazed by how many new ideas I can come up with every single day.”

“My dad voted Reform and my dad’s dad voted Reform and my dad’s dad’s dad voted Reform so I voted Reform. I do everything they do. If they said jump off a cliff I would. If they told me to shit my pants I’d start squeezing. I love being an alpha male.”

“I can’t count past ten. If you ask me what a decimal is, I’ll call you a racist and start crying. No one is allowed to criticise me. I am above the law. Accountability is a woke myth designed to make you feel bad for doing bad things. Don’t fall for it or you’ll turn out trans.”

“My son has a better life than me. I hate that.”

Ava Young