Are you an anxiety sufferer for whom every moment is a living hell? Are you looking for support in your time of need? Look no further than the Marshland Angel’s own mental health expert Jeremy Placebo, whose qualifications include a BA in Art History and sending us a very convincing LinkedIn DM. Strap in as Jeremy completely cures your anxiety through a computer screen.

1: Stressful Stuff

Just like the best way to avoid testicular cancer is to castrate yourself, the best way to avoid an anxiety attack is to steer clear of anything stressful. Adding this small and simple practice to your life will leave you instantly and irrevocably healed. That will be two grand please.

2: Bubonic Plague

One thing that I’ve noticed really worsens my patient’s symptoms is gaining huge boils and realize they will die within 24 hours. So I tend to recommend steering clear.

3: Anywhere you can’t take a deep breath

A sure-fire way to avoid anxiety, and the greatest drug I prescribe my patients, is a beautiful surge of sweet sweet oxygen. Don’t go somewhere where you can’t take a deep breath, i.e. Space or the Mariana Trench

4: Places without five unique countable items

If taking a deep breath fails, there’s only one other solution known to science: describing five things you can see around you. Avoid places with four visible objects or less like the plague (see item 2). There is a strong correlation between people who have severe mental illnesses and people who spend a lot of time in empty padded cells; I assume this is why.

5: France

Self-explanatory.

There we have it, the ultimate guide to protecting your peace and never having to stoop to anything as ridiculous as receiving any actual aid for your mental health condition. If you are still feeling any discomfort after following through on these recommendations, there’s something deeply and incurably wrong with you specifically and you should be very very worried.

Eddie Atkinson