Well known philosopher and man-about-town Diogenes of Sinop has listed his house on Airbnb for the low price of 400 drachmas while he heads to a philosophy conference in Thebes. Usually a staunch believer in the benefits of poverty, Mr ‘of Sinop’ apparently takes on a slightly looser code of ethics when he’s on the tab of those bastards at Thebes U, and will be on an all inclusive at the Oedipal Inn which will still cost significantly less than he’s charging his guests.

The home boasts a spacious 5 square feet of open plan living space, with a clay finish to the walls, topped off with a clay finish to the floor and, the piéce de resistance, a clay finish to the ceiling. Whether or not those are actually all the same thing is nobody’s business. Rumours that the market price for the property would be about half a drachma a month, and that it was originally fished out of the port of Piraeus after the sinking of a boat belonging to merchant John Lewisopolos, are apparently well wide of the mark.

As a member of the school of Cynicism, Diogenes rejects social constraints, including the responsibility to return a deposit, but he will still expect guests to follow a strict and rigorous set of rules:

• There isn’t much of a door per se, but that won’t stop him religiously checking his ring doorbell for signs of unapproved guests or speaking above a whisper after 2pm. He will also be highly litigious if the hay curtain he uses as a door is left in any way ajar (it had to be done).

• You will be expected to walk, feed, and if possible spay his three dogs, grow and then water a small garden, and make sure to leave space for and stir the jam which will be being brewed in the container during your stay.

• Guests must clean vigorously before checking out at 5 am, and will be charged for any smashed crockery – with one item taking obvious and frankly reasonable priority.

• Finally, and perhaps most importantly, any interesting thoughts had in the jar are forfeit to him, and in return he’ll let you know if he comes up with anything interesting while he’s ten ambrosias deep at the conference bar.

If a guest successfully follows all of these rules, they MAY get their deposit back within three to six business years. It should be noted that Diogenes’ father was exiled from Sinop for defacing coins, so any repayment may have some bonus smiley faces or intricate depictions of genitalia etched into them.

Amidst the excitement about such a great value offering, there have been some rumours that Diogenes also owns a separate barrel and is not a simple holiday-goer looking to make an extra few drachma, but a draconian landlord renting properties that used to be long term rentals as BNBs to increase profit and reduce his responsibility to tenants. He wants you to know that that is fake news spread by the two-fold titans of fake news media that are renaissance painters and victorian antiquarians.

Eddie Atkinson