Ahead of a period of severe rail disruption following the last period of severe rail disruption, train operators have told customers they should “give up and die” if they plan to use any train in Britain. 

A message scribbled on the flip side of a chirpy London Tube Whiteboard said “We are urging our loyal passengers to help us deal with an increased demand for our services by giving up hope and dropping dead, preferably before going through the ticket barriers.”

“Please do not retain the will to live unless absolutely necessary. If you do need to stay alive we would advise taking the form of a small child who can sit two to a seat, however we would appreciate it if you could pay full adult prices.” Cyclists and pram users have been particularly urged by rail companies to die, however rail bosses claim this practice has been in place for years. 

The launch of the ‘Choo Choo Seppuku’ campaign comes as part of a range of cost efficiency measures, including asking passengers to engage in blood letting to access ‘the good WIFI’ and selling the toilet cubicle as a Business Class seat. 

To cope with the expected overwhelming demand for death, the creepy LNER puppets shall be redeployed during rush hour to assist with a semi-voluntary euthanasia service. 

Network Rail declined to comment, however a rail replacement bus driver did tell us to fuck off.

Dan Flacks-o-yeet