Fresh documents released by the White House have revealed that 36th President of the United States Lyndon B Johnson earned the nickname ‘El BJ’ as a result of his precocious talent for oral sex. Any suggestions that this information may have been hastily conjured up in an effort to get everyone to forget anything they might have heard about lists or islands have been strongly denied by the current administration.

Speaking at a recent press conference, White House officials explained that Johnson, otherwise known for his strong showing as second tallest US president at a solid 6’4”, would apparently offer his services to political allies and enemies alike, presumably as a coping mechanism for being freakishly large (we are told that anyone claiming to be taller than Donald Trump’s 6’2” is either lying or was genetically engineered by the NBA to normalise the introduction of mythical giants to professional sport).

Officials were quick to remind the public that Mr Johnson’s largely progressive domestic policies were referred to as his effort for a ‘Great Society’, a blind optimism that could only be fuelled by the thrilling high of expertly administered fellatio. They supplemented this informational gemstone with the suggestion that the Spanish twist to his nickname is an obvious allusion to the Democratic party’s secret pact with the ghost of Christopher Columbus to return the Iberian Peninsula to global power, one perfectly benign Latin American immigrant at a time.

A particularly shocking revelation was that 1963’s unfortunate incident in Dealey Plaza was in fact the second time that President Johnson had ensured that John F Kennedy had a run in with a serious case of explosive head, with the latter incident leaving significantly less mess to clean up.

White House representatives also pointed out that his major expansion of US involvement in Vietnam may have been motivated by his firm belief in paying lots of attention to the concept of ‘top’, whether that be the Northern part of a geographic region or good old fashioned mouth-based fun.

As the briefing ended, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt left reporters with a final thought: ‘In case you had forgotten, Mr Johnson was succeeded by trustworthy American patriot Richard Nixon as Commander in Chief, who was scandalously betrayed during the Watergate scandal by a secret whistle-blower known only as ‘Deepthroat’. Coincidence? We think not.’

Is any part of this press release true? Should the American public trust information given to them by someone who once told them drinking hand sanitiser would cure Covid 19? Could Johnson’s nickname actually have stemmed from his mother christening him Lyndon Baines? We may never know the answers to these questions, but as long as it stops us saying anything about the Epstein files we think the White House probably doesn’t care.

The writer of this article would like to acknowledge that this piece represents a particular low in both their moral and creative existence.

Ronald Ray Gun