It had been a pleasant day. On your walk home you had the unique joy of watching an inconveniently long man getting taken for a brisk walk by a determined pomeranian, capping off your day of fun working at ExxMobil Civilian Bioweapon Department.

You are such a happy person that you do two “Excitement Wees” a day; the first upon smelling the sweet, metallic scent of simulation blood once you get to work, and the second upon smelling the fruity, methanol-based scent of your wife once you get home.

“The dog didn’t even have a lead! The man was being stretched along the path by sheer force of canine willpower!” You announce to her as you slip into the silk sheets of your bed. She laughs, in an identical way to Jimmy Carr.

“Goodnight my dear” the text box above your wife’s head reads. She can only speak in Jimmy Carr laughs so you’ve spent your whole married life reading her dialogue in text like a character from one of those old video games. Despite the initial foreplay issues, your relationship overcame this hurdle.

Suddenly – a crab appears! He’s wearing one of those novelty bow ties for posh cats, it’s haphazard tying evidence that there is no lady-crab at home. It pauses for a while, having been told in Crab Leadership School that making the other person speak first is a power move, before remembering crabs aren’t expected to talk and announcing “I am the Karma Crab, and you are required by the Karma Gods to answer for your misdeeds. Do you have anything to say in your defence?”

“Is this about me chuckling at the very tall dog-walker?” you ask the crab.

“No”. Says the crab. “No, it’s about the murders. You must prove to me that you are a good person or, as karmatic retribution, I shall murder your wife with my claws”. You look at his claws. You can see that inside his claws he is hiding a gun. You know he’s serious.

Do you…

A) Panic and apologise profusely for your contributions to atrocities and heightism.

B) Carefully reach out to straighten the crabs bow tie in an early bid to charm him.

C) You don’t back down, you double down. “I have an incredibly important job sticking backup LGB flags to our ICMBs and I am proud of my work ensuring queer representation is found in more and more schools around the world. Representation matters, long men walking short dogs are funny, and if you don’t like that get the FUCK outta my bed!”

After an awkward few seconds of silence, the pair of you finally choose to acknowledge your wife. She has lept to the ceiling in terror and is spread like a starfish up there facing you, her mouth and eyes open unhumanly wide in a silent scream

“Why are you punishing my whimsical Jimmy Carr Wife for this and not me?” you plead. He stares at you like you’re a licence fee letter. “The whims of the Karma Gods are just and fair” says the crab, sidestepping the question which is just bloody typical.

Sensing you’ve just thought of a bad joke, the crab tuts and continues. “Okay, question 2. Your lovely wife on the ceiling up there – what do you love most about her?”

A) “She is so supportive of me. When I first started this job I was so upset and downbeat with what I was doing, but she held my hand and reminded me of the good things such as the money, the commodities that the money could purchase, and the investment options we now had access to with our money “

B) “She occasionally does this move in the bedroom where she gets on her feet and scuttles back and forth on it whilst pinching my nipples. Man I wish she did that more often, but her knees ain’t up to it man”

C) “I’m only with that Jimmy Carr sound-alike as part of an intensive breeding scheme to recreate the entire Dave TV Channel line-up with my offspring once WW4 happens. I’ve already had twins with a member of James May’s family, and am currently courting a lady with alarming facial similarities to Dara Ó Briain.”

The crab writes your answer down, holding the pencil in his claws and scribbling like a gardener hosing down his least favourite bushes in a rush.

“Hmm, okay, one final question. Now be honest or I’ll tear your wife apart like your mum tears open those overpriced cheesecakes in the glass tubs”. You frown. You hate it when a crab rags on Gu.

“Listen carefully. You are going down on your wife, and she announces mid nibble that she has crabs. How do you respond?”

A – “I help her through this embarrassing situation, being supportive but also suggesting alternative foreplay strategies for the next 50 years or so”

B – “Instantly get harder. I’d gently scoop those guys out, lay them tenderly on her thigh and deliver tiny tongue kisses to each one”

C – “I immediately run to www.reddit.co.com/r/AmITheNaughtyHusband and ask the entirety community of fellow good husbands about the scenario, with accurate ChatGPT images of my wife and the crab, and do whatever the top comment says”.

YOUR ANSWERS:

Mostly A – The crab sighs and puts his pencil in his briefcase, his briefcase into his briefcase’s briefcase and his briefcase’s briefcase over his mouth. He muffles a yell of pure frustration and becomes even more red somehow.

“FUUUUUUUUUUCK. This job man, this JOB. Urghhh. Right, OK, look kid, I hate you. I genuinely think removing your larynx with my claws would be a good deed, maybe even a great one. But, like, you’re just below the threshold that I’m not allowed to kill you or your wife. But I’ll be watching, and waiting. I know you, and I will get you.” While you never see the crab again, you do happen to run into a lot more figures who look like tall men in trench coats walking dogs, but both the man and the dog walk sideways.

But hey, it’s not for you to judge, right?

Mostly B – You and the crab lock eyes, and realise you are both madly in love with each other. You both turn to your Jimmy Carr Wife, who emits one long low Jimmy Carr Laugh to confirm her desire to enter a throupleship. The rest of the evening broke so many rules of law and dignity that the only description can legally be shared is from a blind and deaf man who lives next door, who was able to recreate the following series of vibrations: SKTTLSKTTLSKTTLSKTTL_PTPTPTPTPTPPTPPTPPTPTPTPTPPPPPPTHNNNNHUHUHUUUUH

Mostly C – You’re not quite sure how long the crab looks at you after. He holds you there, frozen in his gaze of… disgust? Disbelief? Confused unwilling pity? It’s impossible to tell, especially due to the lack of eyebrows. After a minute he slowly, like a sleepwalk, shuffles up to your wife, and begins to swipe towards her arteries with his claws.

You have remained frozen, thinking about where a crab would wear its eyebrows, until the screams get so loud that you suppose you have to do something you guess. You reach for a pillow to put over your ears when suddenly – the ceiling exploded into a beam of light! A figure comes down through the gap like a descending angel, and keeps coming down, and keeps coming down – it’s the incredibly tall man! And his pomeranian!

You reach out to your saviors, only for them both to start kicking you to death. As you draw your last breath, you hallucinate seeing your mobile banking app for the last time, your faint smile denying the man and his dog the satisfaction of killing you. This ending took 4 actual months to write.

Dan Flacks-o-yeet