Following on from President Trump’s promise at the GOP midterm convention to give every citizen $5,000 if the Republicans retain control of the House and the Senate, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has stated that the monetary gift will have to be recalled as every hundred dollar bill in the US has been “accidentally rubbed on a slimy fish”.

This recall continues the trend of US food contamination, such as the metal shards found in sourdough batches and elements of glass found in fruit bars.

How the hundred dollar bills became contaminated with salmonella remains a mystery, although it may have to do with the US Federal Reserve storing their bills in a Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. walk-in refrigerator.

Adam Berry