They were ready to take on woke together. Strong, silent Lowe and bubbly outspoken Farage. They were unstoppable together, emptying the Tory party conference of donors, radicalising old people on Facebook and standing up for honest hard-working crypto billionaires. Their love was unspoken, the temptation unacknowledged. The two men were unstoppable, dining on the spiralling popularity of Keir Starmer and Labour. Nigel saw the threat from one younger, and marginally more beautiful, in Zack Polanski, while failing to see the threat of one older, and more racist, who lay closer to his heart. His ‘little Rupert’.

Their differences were always there. Rupert Lowe, cosying up to equally hot and recently divorced Elon Musk, would go on long tirades about remigration. His increasingly radical takes on X pleased Elon to no end, but Nigel, knowing how divisive the remigration issue had been for the AFD, grew concerned. Suddenly there was outcry for a leadership change, many tearful words were exchanged in the tragic turn of events that followed. Farage saw the wave he once rode pass on to another, leaving him adrift and alone between the voters of Clacton and the establishment his base mistrusts the most. Lowe, now cursed with technofascist favour and the temptation of power (and claims of harassment but when has that ever stopped any of them), Rupert struck out on his own, casting aside his little Nigel for good.

No kiss was ever shared, their tenderness only platonic, but both felt their hearts beat for the other, now their hearts lay in pieces. Burnham’s triumph in Makerfield left Nigel bruised and alone, no broad shoulder to cry on. Farage’s greatest opponent was once the prime minister and the European Court of Human Rights. Now it was a bin. Lowe, meanwhile, was cast into the pits of podcastery. A 68-year-old man cruelly left at the mercy of technology, breaking bread with Steve Laws and Tommy Robinson for support.

Lowe’s favour with the technofascists never waned however, and now what once drove the men apart would prove pivotal in reuniting them. Two public statements on their respective platforms this week seems to leave the door open to a possible far-right alliance between Reform and Restore.

While Lowe’s fling with Elon continued, his gains over the Tories in the Manchester Mayoral election allowed him to return Nigel to his arms with newfound strength. Now their commitment to taking on the two-party system could continue with a system of two parties, only this two-party system was civic nationalists (who just happen to hate Muslims) and ethno-nationalists (defined by Slice of Beef linguists as “exactly what it says on the tin”.)

Though in public there seems to be reconciliation and newfound energy, their private life remains fractured. Would some good-old-fashioned “boys kissing” reignite the spark they once shared and mend the wounds tragically inflicted?

We will keep you diligently posted in the Slice of Beef ‘boys kissing’ column.

Male Kissinger