Slice of Beef

Chewing on tough world events and spitting out news-rind

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“My pussy too juicy – sorry, I mean steak.”

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i don't give a fuck about your smooth balls bro When your spine don't work like it used to before. Following on from President Trump’s promise at the GOP midterm convention to give every citizen $5,000 if the Republicans retain control of the House and the Senate, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has stated that the monetary gift will have to be recalled as every hundred dollar bill in the US has been “accidentally rubbed on a slimy fish”. Various less-informed news organisations such as the Telegraph and the BBC reported that a large anti-migrant protest took place in the port of Dover from the early hours of Saturday morning to around lunch-time. Their reports detail how the so-called protesters, dressed in all black, walked around the seaside town for a bit and did some chanting. Not all sources of life advice are made equal, and with Kylie Jenner and the rest of the bourgeoisie promoting the surveillance state new recent fad of AI led glasses, we have reports of this sad truth becoming known. They were ready to take on woke together. Strong, silent Lowe and bubbly outspoken Farage. They were unstoppable together, emptying the Tory party conference of donors, radicalising old people on Facebook and standing up for honest hard-working crypto billionaires. Their love was unspoken, the temptation unacknowledged. The two men were unstoppable, dining on the spiralling popularity of Keir Starmer and Labour. Nigel saw the threat from one younger, and marginally more beautiful, in Zack Polanski, while failing to see the threat of one older, and more racist, who lay closer to his heart. His ‘little Rupert’. One morning last week, I was having an oat milk latte in my favourite coffee shop, on a street of coffee shops (you know the type), when I overheard something rather peculiar. A man who has one of those faces you think you might remember from somewhere but not exactly where from was talking. Out loud. Despite being on a table all to himself. As a journalist, I am naturally of a nosy disposition even when off duty. With the recent heatwave all across the headlines, we have decided to issue some guidance on options for you and your team to cool off at work. Count Binface has been under pressure as leader of the Count Binface party; his unsuccessful campaign in Makerfield, Earth and his U-turn on price capping the Wigan Kebab to £2 has left many recyclons unhappy with this Earth-like shadiness. Critics say his importing of British democratic values like lofty promises followed by lofty-er promises and inaction is a threat to Sigma XI’s tradition of honest and transparent politicians. Critics point to a failure to deliver on his promise of “cutting your taxes and raising everyone else’s” as a particular headache for Binface’s credibility as a candidate for the upcoming Sigma XI general election next eon.

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